Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Midlife Crisis

I'm currently feeling so down with my current self. In terms of physical appearance, achievements in life and also in terms of the purpose of life. So I googled the symptoms and found out that there are the symptoms for mid life crisis, which normally occurs for people aged 40 and above. Maybe my life span is only up to 60 years old so this is the right time for me of having this crisis, when I'm about to hit 30. *sigh*

 Let me give some elaboration on how I feel right now so you have a clearer pictures.

Physical appearance

This is me 3 years back, at my heaviest weight. Yes, I lose a lot of kilos during these years but for now, the number seems to increase. I never cared about the number previously but lately it is kind of disturbing. I feel "bloated", although my current self is not as "bloated" as the old me in the pictures. I also don't know why I feel so down with myself, maybe because it takes me too long to lost weight. But I know exactly where I've gone wrong; I love to eat and I did not exercise regularly. So it is nobody's fault but myself. 

Despite feeling "bloated", I also feel unattractive. Yes, beauty lies in the eyes of beholder. But, my skin is became darker because I just get back from two island getaway, and the acne is started to take place at my skin and that makes it worst. I never felt like this before. I'm actually a very positive person and it is very hard to see me upset. I'm the type of person who will scold people who are calling me fat because I always said to them that "I'm not fat, I'm obese!" That's to explain how positive I am. But now, I don't know where is the positive attitude, but pleaseeeeee I need them to make me feel confident with myself again. Oh, I hate this feeling!

 Achievement in life

People might have see me as a successful woman (maybe yes, maybe no). Working as an engineer in one of the establish company in Malaysia, and involve in a mega project. But, the reality is, I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't feel like an engineer, and I don't think that I will be a good engineer, not today nor in a 5 years time. Although on paper I have almost 7 years of engineering experience, I don't really feel like an engineer. At this point of time, I just feel like a crap. I don't know my career path anymore and I really don't know if engineering is the right career for me. But, if I don't do engineering, what should I do then? Arggggggh.

Purpose of life

The second point makes me wandered this third point; what is the exact purpose of life? According to Islam, the purpose of life is to worship Allah. With my current lifestyle, I leave to work early and come back late, and repeat the same things for 5 days in a week, therefore I don't think that I will be a good slave. I pray 5 times a day, and always give excuses to do other than that. Maybe I'm too busy chasing after the world and leaving behind akhirah. Astagfirullah. This needs to change!

So, I need to do something to avoid this crisis. I need to do something before it is too late. And of course I need to do something to feel happy again. Therefore, please wish me luck! And please pray for me. 

Aimi Zubir :)

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